Merry Twistmas: Suck-Year 2020 Edition

Last year at this time, I wrote some silly political takes on five popular Christmas tunes. And readers seemed to get a kick out of it. So I figured I’d do it again this year.

Maybe it’ll become an annual Whiskey & Gunpowder tradition — who knows? One thing I think we ALL know beyond any doubt, however…

Is that 2020 has been the suckiest, unluckiest, and WTF-iest year in recent memory. I’m sure I speak for just about every American when I say that I can’t wait to see this one in the rearview mirror.

So to close it out in bittersweet style, hopefully with a chuckle or two, I offer up five new Twistmas carols for your enjoyment.

Just like last year’s batch, please take these in the humorous spirit in which they’re intended. No offense is meant, partisan or otherwise…

I’m just going where the news, events, and my own inner frustrations have taken me.

Here you go, folks — give ‘em a silent sing-along and maybe reap a smile or two.

All I Want for Christmas Is a New GOP

I’d gladly give my two front teeth to see
A new Republi-CAN — not CAN’T — party
Instead of this descent into lunacy
They’ve made out of Reagan’s legacy

All I want for Christmas is a new GOP
A new GOP
Yeah, a new GOP
Gee, if there could only be a new GOP
I’ll have a very merry Christmas

It’s been a long time since the day
When conservatives weren’t so fickle
If they keep letting liberals get their way
We’ll be living under hammer and sickle!

All I want for Christmas is a new GOP
A true GOP
Not a blue GOP
All different kinds of people want a new GOP
Everyone sees that this Christmas

The last four years made it crystal clear
There’s a rift in America’s branding
And if Georgia goes blue, I’ll say it here
We’re headed for a big crash-landing…

So what I want for Christmas is a new GOP
A me-and-you GOP
Not a screwed GOP
If we could get a truly old-but-new GOP…
We’ll really have Ameri-Christmas (get it?)

 

Hunter the Bagman

Hunter the Bagman
Seems a spoiled amoral soul
With a worn crack-pipe and a powdered nose
And a stocking full of coal

Hunter the Bagman
Lived a fairy tale insane
With strippers and blow and the wife of Beau
And a sweet gig in Ukraine

There must have been some havoc in
That old laptop they found…
But now that dad’s been voted prez
Is the gravy train shut down?

No! Hunter the Bagman
Is he a lying SOB?
Did Burisma laugh and the Chinese play
While he sold out you and me?

[CHORUS]

Stumpety stump-stump
Stumpety stump-stump
Who got all that dough?
Pumpety pump-pump
Pumpety pump-pump
The Feds all want to know!

Hunter the Bagman,
knows the heat is hot today
But will the IRS and the FBI
Learn how far things went astray?

Cuz’ we know who’ll be sitting
In that Oval Office grand
Once the Big Guy’s there he could kill these cares
With a small wave of his hand!

President Xi and the PRC
Wanted Biden at the top…
Now their clown has gotten his crown
So where does their influence stop?

Whoa! Hunter the Bagman
Wanted wealth and power and sway
But his deals so sly could give a big black eye
To our good ol’ U.S.A.

[CHORUS]

Stumpety stump-stump
Stumpety stump-stump
Who got all that dough?
Pumpety pump-pump
Pumpety pump-pump
The Feds all want to know!

 

Rudolph the Red-Faced Vain-deer

Rudolph, the red-faced vain-deer
Had a very big ego
And once had a rep so flawless
But now you’d have to say it blows

He gave the Dems such pain, dear
They used to tremble at his name
But now he’s a wild-eyed screw-up
To make the GOP ashamed

Then one fishy election scene
Donald came to say
“Rudy, you’re no more too bright…
But no one else would lead my legal fight!”

Then how the courts all snubbed him
Now he’s begging “please pardon me!”
Cuz Rudolph, the red-faced vain-deer…
You’ve destroyed your history!

Good King Donald’s Loss

Good King Donald Trump set out
In this election season
To win the day without a doubt
With zeal and sense and reason
But somewhere ‘tween his rallies’ bright
And the media so cruel
Donald came off looking like
A narcissistic tool!

“The COVID cannot hinder me,
Nor can it stop me yelling,
‘Tis all being overblown, you see,
To oust me from my dwelling!”
Faithfully did VP Pence
Echo his king’s expounding
But upon an autumn week so tense
The voters spoke resounding

The good king then commenced to whine
“Fetch my lawyers hither,
In court the count you’ll undermine,
While I seed doubt on Twitter!”
But this plan a-wayward went
When all the courts together
Rejected Rudy’s lame lament
As unproven conjecture

Now the good king pouts about
And desperate schemes he ponders
For holding onto power without
Mandate of masses yonder
But in his self-important rage
And through his fairway solace
The people and his party gauge
His fitness for next contest…

Meanwhile down on Georgia sod
Four candidates they sprinted
To elevate the Commie Squad
Or thwart their hateful intent
So will the good king immature
Help save our freedom’s blessing?
Cares he if this place endures
If it’s not in his possessing?

 

Guess What’s Roasting on a COVID Fire?

Guess what’s roasting on a COVID fire?
How much worse it gets, who knows?
Will we look back, from behind barbed wire…
And wonder: Where’d our freedom go?
Cuz’ everybody knows, it’s hard to make The Man let go
Of power once he’s seized it tight
Once he gets us all marching in rows
We’ll find it hard to keep our rights

Because The Man is never far away
He’s always scheming to keep liberty at bay
And leave us all no other choice but to comply
With every brazen new oppression he applies

And so, we rail against this sinful phase
Our way of life so black and blue
When COVID’s done — whatever time, whatever way
May we witness…
With all due swiftness…

Our free greatness renewed.

Alright, there you go.

Oh, and here’s one more bonus chuckle for you…

Pull the song You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch up on YouTube. While you’re watching it, whenever you hear “Mr. Grinch,” swap out “Mr. Schiff” in your head. You will crack up. The song is pretty much a perfect fit for that slime-ball, as originally written. The Grinch even sort of looks like Schiff — with the big head and pencil neck and all.

OK, that’s it for me today, and for the year…

From the whole Whiskey & Gunpowder team, we wish you the merriest possible Christmas and happiest possible New Year, given these trying circumstances.

See you all in 2021, a better year in every way, hopefully.

Merrily and Verily Yours,

Jim Amrhein

Jim Amrhein
Freedoms Editor, Whiskey & Gunpowder
WhiskeyAndGunpowderFeedback@StPaulResearch.com

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Jim Amrhein

Just like he was 15 years ago, when first he sullied the pages of the original Whiskey & Gunpowder e-Letter and various other forums, Jim is still ornery, opinionated, politically incorrect, and shamelessly patriotic. He’s also more convinced than ever before that government can’t do much of anything right — except expand in scope and...

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