We Wish You a Merry Twistmas!

As a reward for putting up with me three times a month or so since Whiskey & Gunpowder rose from the ashes this past summer…

Here are some timely, twisted takes on Christmas faves for your enjoyment.

Disclaimer: Any resemblance to existing works is purely coincidental — no imitation, duplication, or homage was intended.

Also, be advised that the viewpoints represented in some of these may not be 100% my own, in every single respect (but who are we kidding, right?)…

They also may have been amped up a little for humor and impact. Please take ‘em in the jolly spirit in which they’re intended.

Amazon is Running the Town

You better watch out
Alexa’s a spy
She’s gonna tell Jeff
What you do on the sly…
Cuz’ Amazon is running the town.

They’re making a list
It’s trillions of bytes
And on it they’ve got
Everything in your life…
Cuz’ Amazon is running the town.

They know when you are sleeping
They know when you’re awake
And every time you go online
They can see every click you make!

SOOOO…

You better watch out
Your privacy’s a lie
Your data’s just a tool
They use to make you buy…
‘Cuz Amazon is running the town!

Erect the Walls

Erect the freakin’ walls, by golly
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Build them tough with steel and moly
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Mount them with lights and gun barrels…
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
Aimed by guards in “tac” apparel
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Put an end to borders porous…
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Make damn sure they can’t ignore us
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Drugs and guns and human treasure…
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
That’s what gives “coyotes” pleasure
Fa la la la la, la la la la

So shut ‘em down with bars impassive
Fa la la la la, la la la la
Keep them out with walls so massive
Fa la la la la, la la la la

Otherwise, we’ll all be tethered…
Fa la la, la la la, la la la!
To a third-world state forever
Fa la la la la, la la la la

O Kavanaugh
(to the tune of O Tannenbaum)

O Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh!
Seems you were just a drunk teen
But Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh,
They made you into Weinstein.

Despite the lack of evidence…
You’re male and right — two strikes against
So Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh,
Forever you’ll be on defense.

O Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh!
They found no cause to dismiss
But Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh,
You’ll always bear their asterisk.

Although those “victims” spewed recants
You’re guilty ‘cuz of what’s in your pants
So Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh
I’ll lift a pint to your advance.

O Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh!
They aimed their “Trump hate” at you
But Kavanaugh, O Kavanaugh,
You held the line — and saw it through.

I hope you’ll make them rue the day
They tried to take your robe away.
‘Cuz Kavanaugh, Justice Kavanaugh…
Your country needs your best, I say.

Here comes Bernie Claus

Here comes Bernie Claus, here comes Bernie Claus, right down Communist lane
With Marx and Engels and Lenin and Trotsky pulling at his reins
Deadbeats singing and taxes winging — oh, so far out of sight
So hang your head and say your prayers ‘cuz Bernie Claus comes tonight

Here comes Bernie Claus, here comes Bernie Claus, straight for millennials’ brains
His big red bag is full of free toys he milked from millionaires’ strains
Hear those tax rolls jingle jangle — oh, what a beautiful sound
If you’re not broke you’re gonna get soaked when Bernie Claus comes around

Here comes Bernie Claus, here comes Bernie Claus, back to the well again
He’s got a Medicaid plan for all that’ll break our backs and then…
He’ll nationalize our power grid and shut off all of your lights
‘Cuz the Earth’s too hot and it’s all your fault but Bernie’s gonna make it right!

The Trump Days of Wishmas

On the first day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, a trade deal with President Xi.

On the second day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the third day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the fourth day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the fifth day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the sixth day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, six tarifs paying, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the seventh day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, seven regs a-trimming, six tarifs paying, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the eighth day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, eight porn stars milking, seven regs a-trimming, six tarifs paying, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the ninth day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, nine factories humming, eight porn stars milking, seven regs a-trimming, six tarifs paying, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the tenth day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, ten pipelines piping, nine factories humming, eight porn stars milking, seven regs a-trimming, six tarifs paying, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the eleventh day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, eleven Saudis dancing, ten pipelines piping, nine factories humming, eight porn stars milking, seven regs a-trimming, six tarifs paying, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

On the twelfth day of Wishmas, my pres’dent gave to me, twelve Dems a-weeping, eleven Saudis dancing, ten pipelines piping, nine factories humming, eight porn stars milking, seven regs a-trimming, six tarifs paying, five judges right-wing!… Four falling foes, three travel bans, two Fed fiscal doves, and a trade deal with President Xi.

Hope you got a laugh or a smile out of these. If so, feel free to forward them to someone else who’ll love (or hate) them…

And from the whole crew here at Whiskey & Gunpowder — Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Merrily Yours,

Jim Amrhein

Jim Amrhein
Freedoms Editor, Whiskey & Gunpowder
WhiskeyAndGunpowderFeedback@StPaulResearch.com

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Jim Amrhein

Just like he was 15 years ago, when first he sullied the pages of the original Whiskey & Gunpowder e-Letter and various other forums, Jim is still ornery, opinionated, politically incorrect, and shamelessly patriotic. He’s also more convinced than ever before that government can’t do much of anything right — except expand in scope and...

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